i've been cocooning. resting restlessly. dreaming. doubting. settling in to dayton. holding on to berkeley. reading. trying to change, trying to peel away the layers of me i don't need anymore, trying to see through to who i'm going to be--want to be--next. and procrastinating. lots and lots of procrastinating, though i can't always tell the difference between needful rest and fearful procrastination.
all of that leaves me feeling not so great about myself, which in turn makes me want to hide a bit. it's not as bad as it sounds; it's what i need for now and where i want to be. why are big changes so hard on egos? is it the violation of expectations? is it the uncertainty? is it not yet being good at it--these new ways? i guess it's also a threat to identities; we can't become something new without giving up some of what we've been.
what do caterpillars do in their cocoons? are they restless? fearful? or do they while away the necessary time in zen slumber?
there are good things happening. i joined a lovely CSA, found a new fiber shop to love, attended a few fiber events. the above is me knitting in public on KIP day after enjoying the Knitters Connection market with Kitty Kitty.
hello out there to Melinda: i don't have contact coordinates for you (maybe it's time we move from blogger) but want to thank you for the kind and warm comment you left on my last post. i can't tell you how much i appreciate it. it feels good to remember people are waiting to hear from me, that my writing here matters a little more than i assume. so thank you for caring and especially for verbalizing that care. i think i will take your prescription and blog every day for a little while to fight the paralysis. hugs.
see you tomorrow. :)
Hi MG...
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful to see you back. (hug) And though I may not have been an avid commenter on your site, I do check it daily to see if you two have posted. Your words, comments, and projects do add a spark to others lives. Even if it is only a digital hello every once and awhile to let others know you are ok.
I think we all have faced trials and tribulations in our lives where sometime we just need to know we have friends and even strangers who care. I know I certainly have been there in my life. I have had many tragic pitfalls over the years and through just knowing others cared have kept me going.
*Hugs* and I cannot wait to see tomorrows post. You can do it.
Melinda
knit dot melinda dot knit at gmail dot com
I care too! Blogging is such a funny thing, typing and uploading pictures into a great unknown void, and yet sometimes it really does touch someone across the intangible net and they do miss you when you're not around. I've been hiding too; not just from blogging but from knitting and reading and all the other things I really really want to do, but for some reason am scared of getting on with anything at all, waiting to see if I've failed my exams, and if I have what then, and alongside waiting for the next doctor to contradict the former and still conclude that they know nothing at all, and trying to work out what it is that I want in the midst of all this paralysis. A post a day seems a really good idea! Please try it. And if you find you've missed a day, please just carry on and write the next day. It would really inspire me and maybe if I can create any knitting to speak of I could join in too and then we could help each other along. Maybe. Hugs in the meantime, and looking forward so much to seeing your next. xo
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